1. Duelling DualityAnd so West Hams traditionally contrary approach to football continues apace. Having failed to beat an average tottenham side at home on Monday night, we then go and take a deserved point off title-contenders Chelsea at Stamford Bridge and spurn a glorious chance to claim all three at the death.Its this long-established club trait that habitually confounds us all: to rekindle the damp embers of hope, just as we are prepared to resign ourselves to consistent failure and top-flight oblivion.While results like this do no harm to our Premiership credentials, they do little for our blood pressure.2. OppositionSaturday evening provides us with our next opportunity to fritter away the chance of building on an impressive result, as young pretenders Aston Villa arrive in east London.Villa have established themselves as the team most capable of breaking into the top four this season, much to the annoyance of Daniel Levy and his deluded minions. Martin ONeills undoubted management skills combined with the maturation of recent youthful purchases and consistent squad additions in recent years have lead to the advent of a competitive and competent squad.Experience has been blended successfully with youth and players approaching their peak, leading to many plaudits this season, not least from the England manager.Fabio Capello recently proclaimed that “the Aston Villa players are my future”, citing Ashley Young, Gareth Barry, Gabriel Agbonlahor and James Milner. Young and Agbonlahor have both deservedly been included in recent squads and Gareth Barry is the only player to have featured in all ten of Capellos games in charge. The astute purchase of goalkeeper Brad Friedel in the summer combined with the in-form Martin Laursen have given Villa a capable backline, shielded by the experienced Stilian Petrov. Barrys dream of Champions League football may yet be realised at Villa Park and the recent additions of Steve Sidwell and James Milner have improved the depth of Villas midfield. These last two signings are all the more significant in that they have reduced Nigel Reo-Coker to the periphery where he can dance like a twat on the sidelines, doing the running man in pursuit of his fast-fading hopes of an international career. Its Aston Villas attacking potency that has caught the eye recently, however. Martin ONeill might be forgiven a moment of premature senility when recently comparing Ashley Young to Lionel Messi, but Young has certainly proven to be a great signing (another fine one we missed out on) and is increasingly looking an international player. Both he and Agbonlahor have pace to burn and that will prove our greatest threat at the weekend, particularly if we press forward too zealously and leave space in behind - I cant see Lucas Neill catching a cold, let alone Ashley Young. Again, it will be Zolas ability to surreptitiously sellotape sausages onto the back of Youngs shirt that will prove key.Marlon Harewood looks eerily contented with a place on the Villa bench.3. Flawed To Big FourThanks to Arsenals stuttering season, Aston Villa now find themselves in 4th spot and have already beaten the Gunners at The Emirates. Wengers band of espresso-sipping aristocrats visit Villa Park on Boxing Day (or St Stephens Day for those Irish readers) in a match prematurely being tagged as winner takes all. ONeill will see that as a great opportunity to put further daylight between his own team and 5th place heading into the New Year. Combine this with his decision to rest many of the first team for Wednesday nights comprehensive UEFA Cup defeat to Hamburg (thereby sacrificing qualification as group winners) and there will be a great determination to take three points from The Boleyn on Saturday evening, sustaining his sides recent momentum.Wenger and O’Neill give their verdict on how far Kieron Dyer will get onto the pitch on his comeback before incurring a season-ending injury.4. January SaleAs the window approaches, an icy wind of unwanted change continues to blow through Upton Park as rumours persist about the prospect of high profile departures.Whilst warming our defensive cockles on Sunday, Matthew Upsons imperious form against Chelsea also served to further highlight his value to several competitors and Herita Ilungas ball skills have caught the attention of many an NBA team. The real issue here though is not the sale of assets, but that of the club as a whole. Press reports regarding the monetary health of Bjorgolfur Gudmundsson and the club have died down of late, bar the obligatory generalities financial strain, troubled club, piss-stained bin men etc.It is universally acknowledged that BGs piggy bank has suffered a not inconsiderable bout of bulimia in recent months and there is little hope on the horizon. The sale of established first team players will almost certainly condemn us to the Championship next year and make us an even less enticing investment for would-be buyers, before having even factored in those penny-pinching under-performers up in Sheffield.I can see the sense in selling up now while we are still a going concern with a decent squad, regularly high attendances and with our Premiership status still in our own hands.5. Prophet Before ProfitSuch is the far-reaching influence of this blog that no sooner have I finished writing the above than West Ham vice chairman, Asgeir Fridgeirsson, announces that the club have become receptive to enquiries.We have been reviewing the assets and as part of the process, weve signed a non-disclosure form with several parties.This jargon means that the Board has sent data on its debt levels, income, expenditures and salary ratios to the potential bidders, who are not allowed to reveal this info to anyone else.It has been suggested that this is merely an exercise for Gudmundsson to gauge the value of the club in the current market in order in re-jig his assets accordingly, but there has to be more to it than that. My knowledge of big business tells me that press releases are often one or two steps behind the proposed reality and from our standpoint, the sooner matters are concluded for the good of the club, the better. This same business acumen also tells me that Tesco currently have a 2 for 1 offer on Jammie Dodgers, so Id get down there if I were you.6. HistoryVillas visit last year was the final game of the season, an inconsequential affair and consequently an open and entertaining match. On a glorious summer afternoon, Nobby Solano put us one up with the last goal to be scored direct from a free-kick by a West Ham player for the next thousand years. Villa drew level courtesy of Ashley Young before claiming the lead via Gareth Barry.The prospect of the end of the season and a loosening of not only Dean Ashtons dietary regime but also his fat pants, promptly spurred our striker into action and he levelled with a fine finish from outside the box with minutes remaining.Despite all this, it was a game most memorable for King Pantsil - his illegal and relentless kicking of Nigel Reo-Coker for the entire match a commendable approach which went completely unnoticed by the ref. KP then went on a deserved solo lap of the pitch at the final whistle.Generally speaking, honours have been fairly even between the two teams in recent years with an inordinate amount of draws twelve out of the last eighteen games. Villa have had the better of the last few years, beating us on both our last two visits to Villa Park whereas we have not registered a victory against them since a 2-1 away win in early 2006. ‘Your Latin courtship of the media is utterly bewitching. Kiss me, Jose…’7. The Battle For Middle EarthDespite Curbishley publicly bemoaning the fact that Zola has been afforded the opportunity to field consistent sides, our midfield has rarely been the same in consecutive games.I thought that Zolas selection against Chelsea (Behrami, Parker, Noble, Collison) provided us with a nice balance and was the most useful midfield unit seen so far this year. Parker picked up the man-of-the-match award for his effective disruptiveness, and his inability to get forward (which involves running in straight lines) was complimented well by Noble, who provided Bellamy with his goal-scoring chance.Valon Behrami seems capable of running all day, his high work-rate warranting a regular start and endearing him to the fans, and this blog has often touted the merits of fielding Jack Collison. There was nothing in the young Welshmans performance on Sunday to dissuade us and I’m pleased to see him sign a new five year deal. He should regularly start matches before he gets too old and jaded to run headlong at defenders, spurning the simple pass.There is no-one on the fringes who should oust any of these four. Matty Etherington has flattered to deceive after a strong start and Julien Faubert is proving the biggest waste of money since I bought a particularly expensive pair of bright orange Travel Fox trainers back in the mid-90s, which in hindsight resembled orthopaedic shoes for visually-impaired drunks.8. Congestion ChargeI cant remember a season where the table has looked so tight so close to Christmas. There are only 20 points separating Liverpool in top spot from Sunderland in the relegation zone and there is not a gap of more than three points between any two consecutive teams from 3rd to 18th .A contributory factor is the inability to string together consistent results at home, which can perhaps be attributed to many sides becoming more willing to adopt a Boltonian approach on the road.Liverpool, Chelsea, Man Utd and Arsenal have all been guilty of dropping points they would normally be expected to claim and overall this trend is reflected in the negligible difference between large swathes of the table.This has enabled several sides to endure a poor run without losing touch of the pack (ourselves included) and will allow teams to push up the league on the back of a few wins. It has also spawned the looming proviso that this years relegation battle may be more cluttered than ever.If that is to be the case then every game really will matter and we can ill-afford to throw points away against teams we should be beating, as we have done thus far. The safety net of unexpected draws away to the big boys is full of holes. Yes, I know all nets are full of holes, but these holes are getting bigger by the minute, the net fibres receding quicker than my hairline in order to illustrate this strained analogy.9. Christmas CheerIn the absence of any light-hearted relief last week, Paul Ince was sacked on Tuesday!10. Escape to Victory?Thanks in part to HeadHammer Sharks contagious lethargy and my plans to drink my own bodyweight in gravy this Christmas, this shall be the final preview of 2008. In light of this, allow me to bid you all good tidings and all the associated seasonal merriment.By way of half-arsed compensation, I have painstakingly prepared the following:Aston Villa aside, our remaining fixtures of the calendar year are a trip to Portsmouth on Boxing Day and the visit of Stoke on the 28th.The Portsmouth game is one I reckon we can win. Their drubbing at the hands of Newcastle on Sunday gives us hope, as does the fact that their holding midfielder, Lassana Diarra, is off to Real Madrid in January and will be loathe to risking injury.Stoke City at home is one of those games with humiliating frustration written all over it. I was planning on going, but am pleased to say that I will now be in northern France - coincidentally allowing me to retrieve the balls from Boa Mortes efforts on goal.(Only joking, Luis Im still rooting for you to score Go for it, you crack-fuelled maniac!!)

1. Dictionary CornerFutility (n) - uselessness as a consequence of having no practical result.Make of that what you will.2. Post-MortemMonday nights lamentable affair at home to tottenham can be summed up thusly:Two shit teams, we sat back.There was nothing on offer in the way of quality. Why we played Parker and Mullins at home against a defensively suspect side is beyond me. Collison is the only midfielder this season who has regularly launched forward with purpose and yet he has found himself marginalised since his home debut against Everton.The day Faubert puts in a cross that beats the first man is the day Frank Lampard declines a bowl of clarified butter.I am still wounded by the gutless nature of our display against tottenham and the fact that a win on Monday would have meant 9th place, clear daylight between us and the bottom three and the opportunity to really go for it against Chelsea with little expectation or anxiety.But I suppose we wouldnt be proper West Ham fans without the stunted enthusiasm and Valium dependence.3. Obviously4. HistoryLast year we lost 1-0 at Stamford Bridge having put in a bellicose performance only to fall to Joe Coles late winner, a well taken goal which survived a decent offside shout. Coles ultra-enthusiastic celebration lost him a place in more than a few of the more temperate West Ham hearts, a place still frequented by ex-players such as Carrick, Rio, Tevez and Pike.Our recent record against Chelsea has been nothing but negative in terms of results and we have conceded 17 goals in our last six encounters. Not since we did the double over them in the 2002-03 season (wallop) have we had a point out of them.Theres not much good news here, so well move on.5. Transfer windowAs the New Year draws ever closer, so headlines pertaining to the fire-sale of West Ham talent appear with increasing regularity. If its not Craig Bellamy for 6million, its Upson and Green for a combined 16. Or Davenport, Bowyer, Quashie, Boa Morte, Mullins, Faubert, Cole, Ashton or Gabbidon two for a tenner.It is not only apparent but also right that a few names will be jettisoned this January to lighten not only the considerable financial burden on the club but also the deadwood of the squad.The answer must be to get rid of more than a few peripheral players to lesser sides whilst simultaneously resisting the larger offers sure to come in for our better players - most probably from Redknapp funded by his 30 pieces of silver.If we sell Green and Upson in January, we may as well all pack up and go home now.6. Fading FortressThis season saw the end of Chelseas formidable home record with losses to both Liverpool and Arsenal ending their unbeaten run of 86 games.Big Phil Scolaris arrival at Stamford Bridge has coincided with a new inability to grind out results. Whilst this has made for a closer Championship race, it has its roots in the absence of some key players, most notably Didier Drogba.Despite the arrival of Portuguese playmaker Deco from Barcelona after an impressive Euro 2008, Chelsea have struggled to conjure the requisite incisiveness to open up teams who are content to sit back at the Bridge. They are not helped by having Anelka upfront and starved of space.Le Sulk provides Chelsea with a potent attacking outlet away from home, at his best sitting on the shoulder of the last defender and exploiting the space behind on the counter. His talents are largely nullified at home and against teams where more brute force is required.Drogba is the man to win games for Chelsea when they are up against obdurate teams, as most of their opposition will be at Stamford Bridge. His strength, link-up play and ability to play with his back to goal should provide Chelsea with the necessary tactical flexibility to ensure that the blips of the last few months do not become more commonplace.After a lengthy absence, and with all the predictability of a Jerry Bruckheimer production, Drogba is of course available for selection this weekend, free of injury and suspension.7. OppositionChelseas spending this summer failed to match their levels of expenditure in previous years, largely thanks to the gazumping of Robinho by Manchester City.Even having missed out on their primary target, The Blues were still able to swell their ranks with the acquisition of Portuguese right-back Jose Boswinga from Porto and Deco from Barcelona for a combined 23.2million. Their squad was decreased overall following the release of Steve Sidwell, Hernan Crespo and Claude Makelele, among others. Even the bewildered Tal Ben Haim was pointed towards Manchester and told to keep walking.Despite suffering their fair share of injuries this season, Chelseas available squad is still formidable and the return of Drogba, Joe Cole, Michael Essien and Ray Butch Wilkins will further bolster their reserves in the second half of a season in which they remain well placed to claim both Premiership and Champions League.8. Callous CaptainIf the following reports are to be believed then HeadHammer Shark will no doubt be petitioning for divorce from his fictitious if zealously-desired marriage to our club captain.It has been reported this week that Lucas Neill, having finally been granted a meeting to discuss an extension to his current deal, demanded a pay rise, taking his wages above that of their already preposterous level.If this is true, I am flabbergasted. Not only at the gall of the man in light of both the financial state of the club and the economy in general, but also how he has drawn the conclusion that his form and leadership over the past two years warrants anything more than a Chinese burn.I can only hope that this is another example of imaginative journalism targeted at West Ham and not an accurate reflection of our captains mindset in the current climate.Perhaps we should arrange a ‘Neill vs Lampard Chow-Down Face-Off’ on Sunday. Lampard would no doubt ingest Neill in a matter of seconds, but our portly captain is sufficiently voracious to take a limb on his way down. From our perspective, a win-win.9. Christmas HamperedIts finally happened. After many months of cooperation with HeadHammer Shark on these pages, his terminal pessimism has tainted my usual cheery/naive disposition. Sundays game sees us approach the traditional end of year run which can so often shape a season. After Chelsea away we have the arduous prospect of Villa at home who, judging by the tottenham match and Villas win at Goodison Park, could well rip us to pieces.After that we have Stoke City at home on the 28th (a match we should win but could so easily lose) and its a short respite before a trip to St Jamess Park in January for a game versus the side against whom Zolas regime began so promisingly three months ago.Its not inconceivable that we could find ourselves waist deep in the relegation quagmire come mid-January unless we begin scoring.No such thing as Christmas cheer this week.10. I Think Im Coming Down With SomethingAs we all know, there are lots of airborne germs around at this time of year, but in recent weeks I appear to have contracted something I was quite unprepared for: a growing admiration of Luis Boa Morte.Perhaps its his insistence on playing in Cuban heels or the natural affiliation felt by the British for plucky triers who arent particularly accomplished, I dont know.Whatever the cause, this is a phenomenon that has been increasing by the week. During our halftime analysis conference on Monday, I was moved to telling HeadHammer Shark of my certainty that LBM would come on and get the winner, but now we’ll never know.I think this all began towards the back end of last season once I had decided to not get so riled at Boa Mortes ineptness and to instead enjoy the chaotic nature of his approach to the game. Yes, he has missed literally thousands of gilt-edged chances, but I have never had the sense that he doesnt give it his all.My newfound support of him is only bolstered by the many simpletons who boo before he has even completed his touchline warm-up, let alone touched the ball, and some of his unpopularity stems from his status as Curbs first overpriced signing with all that money he spunked.At the very least, Boa Morte is responsible for getting Fat Frank undeservedly sent off last year and also for forcing nearly his whole hand into John Terrys mouth. For that alone he should be applauded.I personally cant wait til he scores (meaning he has until January) and hope that he goes ballistic, then runs straight up to the pubescent gobshite sitting in front of my brother and his mates thinking he’s ICF, and smashes his teeth in.11. One For The Road

1. Every Cloud…” I feel I have some things I want to accomplish at West Ham, and I was happy that the club gave me the opportunity to do that.”Not my words, the words of Jonathan Spector having recently signed a 3-year extension to his contract. In the full transcript of this interview, our most versatile of utility men goes onto explain that among the many things he wishes to accomplish are playing in goal, getting the Zola’s tea just right and fixing that leaky tap in the dressing room.2. HistorySunderland are this weeks opponents in what promises to be an enticing thrill ride of balletic football drama.Last seasons corresponding fixture ended in a 2-1 defeat thanks to Andy Reids 96th minute winner. We had gone 1-0 up courtesy of Freddie Ljungberg only for rejected West Ham trialist Kenwyne Jones to equalise soon after.While Sunderland were the better side in the second half, we were forced to play the final ten minutes with ten men after Freddie Ljungberg was withdrawn suffering a hamstring injury and with all substitutes having already been made.The injury to King Pantsil was the real coup de grce, the great man taken off with concussion having successfully obliterated 12 breezeblocks with his scalp on the touchline in an initially successful Haka-esque display of intimidating power.Our recent record at Sunderland is a more or less even split of wins, losses and draws, although we havent won there since a 2-0 victory in The Championship in December 2004.3. The OppositionThe main threat this weekend is the developing partnership of Sunderland strikers Kenwyne Jones and Djibril Cisse. Of the four goals scored in Sunderlands last three games, Cisse and Jones can claim two a piece.Cisse has hit the ground running since his arrival from Marseille scoring 5 goals in 12 appearances and Kenwyne Jones has shown no permanent effect from the knee- ligament injury sustained in Englands PR- friendly friendly with Trinidad & Tobago in the summer (notable only for Dean Ashtons full England debut).The two players seem to benefit from one anothers presence, Cisse thankful for Jones bearing the brunt of the physical frontman role and Jones grateful for a strike partner with marginally more attacking nous than a drunken gorilla on pogo stilts.Kieran Richardson is certainly one to have benefited from joining The Black Cats, enjoying the regular first team football he was denied at Old Trafford. Similarly, Steed Malbranque has profited from his move up north, although he has complained that since his arrival from tottenham, and despite his rigourous approach to personal hygiene, that the dirt wont come off.Less successful Keane imports include Northern Ireland wonder-striker-cum-Premiership-nowhere-man David Healy, argumentative mercenary Pascal Chimbonda and those abhorrent dregs of the gene pool which have the misfortune to constitute El-Hadji Diouf. Healy in particular has flattered to deceive since his arrival in the Premiership, to Sunderland via Fulham. His international scoring record is exceptional, having bagged 35 goals in his 69 appearances for Northern Ireland. He has however scored just five times in his 35 Premiership outings and made only one showing for Sunderland.As any great striker would do when going through a considerable drought, Healy has recently released a DVD of his greatest goals and will no doubt be sending a copy to Roy Keane for Christmas.4. Friend Or Foe?Sundays game brings with it our first encounter with Anton Ferdinand and George McCartney since their tumultuous departures earlier this season. It was of course the sale of these two players that prompted the resignation of Alan Curbishley and his consequent decision to sue us for 1million for breach of contract (join the queue, Alan).Reported to have gone for a combined fee of around 12.5million, neither player has been missed as much as was anticipated in the immediate aftermath of their sale. The resurrection of a few of our previously incapacitated centrebacks has reduced Ferdinands leaving to a mere redress of the balance sheets and in truth, Anton was never taken to heart by the fans like his older brother.McCartneys exit was the bigger surprise and its potential consequences the cause of greater apprehension, however the deadline day loan signing of H List favourite Herita Ilunga has gone a long way to alleviating that anxiety.Gorgeous George has been absent from the Sunderland squad since picking up a foot injury during Sunderlands 5-0 drubbing at the hands of Chelsea, but Ferdinand has staked his claim to the starting XI and already looks like one of Keanes more astute signings.Anton takes flight from Faces whilst being pursued by some of the local clientele. 5. Keane To ImpressThe undoubted main draw at Sunderland for many an onlooker is manager Roy Keane. Depending on your standpoint, Keane is either a legendary player and promising manager or an arrogant, belligerent know-it-all who walked out on his country in their hour of need. On this issue I am often betwixt and between. Undoubtedly Keane is one of the finest players to have graced the Premiership during his time at Manchester United and his enthralling tussles with Patrick Vieira on and off the pitch (notice big man Gary Neville giving Vieira the eyes once Keanes fought his battle for him), remain some of the lasting images from the League since its inception.I do admire his straight talking, a recent example coming when he protested at some of Sky Sports punditry:”I wouldn’t trust them to walk my dog. There are ex-players and ex-referees being given air-time who I wouldn’t listen to in a pub. (Are you listening, Jamie Redknapp?)As a player he was the most indispensible member of the best team in the land for nearly ten years, but this elevated status perhaps inevitably began to affect his thinking. Controversial Roy Keane gives his view on the practice of microwaving kittens.Keane traditionally stalled on his contracts at Old Trafford, safe in he knowledge that his paymasters wanted him more than he needed them. His delay in finalising a new deal at Sunderland has caused some ire among the natives and Keane could soon realise that he is not half as indispensible as a manager as he was a player.Allowing for his bouts of egotism and despite his obvious talents, I cant get passed one thing.Keanes decision to walk out on Irelands World Cup campaign in 2002 lost him a previously immutable place in many peoples hearts. A dressing room spat with then manager Mick McCarthy caused Keane to abandon his team at a time when he was their captain, heartbeat, still a formidable force in international football and arguably the finest central midfielder in the world. Ireland went on to meet Spain in the quarter-finals and were unlucky to go out on penalties. There are many an Irish supporter who wonder what might have been and how far their country could have gone in a tournament already full of surprises had Keane kept his council and his mouth shut and knuckled down for a couple of weeks.The incident remains a large stain on Keanes career and one which any fair-minded person would come to regret, although Roy Keanes nature may prevent him from doing so. But I wouldnt say that to his face.6. Internazionale66% of the goals scored by the home nations in this weeks international friendlies came from West Ham players when was the last time you could say that?7. Stop The RotBoth teams have a similar motivation to do well this weekend. Sunderland will be playing on the back of victory against Blackburn and keen to string together consecutive wins for the first time this season. With their next couple of games both at home against ourselves and Bolton, they will see this as a good opportunity to consolidate a position in the top half. After investing a massive 80million in two years, it wont belong before Roy Keane is expected to deliver on his huge outlay and the Board, having backed Keane to the hilt in the transfer market, are unlikely to be satisfied with just another seasons survival.From our point of view, Sunday represents a great opportunity to build on last weeks success at avoiding abject failure. Another clean sheet would go down a treat and a victory the Stadium of Light could be regarded as vital in hindsight, particularly when you consider that our remaining fixtures between now and Christmas read Liverpool (a), tottenham (h), Chelsea (a) and Villa (h).Bellamy is back among the goals with a fine effort in midweek and now goal-machine Matthew Upson has lit the touchpaper, Carlton Cole can concern himself helping Freddie Sears with his homework.Jack Collison must continue in midfield and Scott Parker should be rewarded for reportedly dislocating Theo Walcotts shoulder during England training with a starting berth.Goals, people. For all our attractive, attacking play of recent weeks, we are sorely lacking in the ultimate currency of football. We need a few of our overpaid representatives to start splashing the cash.8. Two Short PlanksThe majority of footballers are idiots. This is certainly true of English players who, unlike their Continental counterparts, can rarely string a grammatically sound sentence together.This perhaps comes as no surprise given that most of them have forsaken any dedicated schooling since the age of 10, but it is that they appear so willing (or rather, unwitting) to emphasise their stupidity that I enjoy. Therefore, let us fittingly leave the final word to Anton Ferdinand, commenting here on his tactics for completing a 24-hour sponsored silence:I think if I didnt have my girlfriend to talk to then I would have struggled.

1. And Now For Something Completely DifferentThis weeks H List will be presented in Limerick form. This is largely because the events of this match were so incredibly tedious, and I do not wish my descendants to look back upon my writings on Ye Olde Worlde Wide Webbe and think that I wasted my time chronicling such inanities.2. Things I Learned This WeekJermain Defoe is dangerous stillBut Carlton Cole is rotRob Green will save most anythingBut Scott Carson will … not3. Right Back AtchaGlen Johnson might steal toilet seatsBut he attacks with verve unfetteredLucas Neill clearly likes to eatBut on the left he played much better4. The Floundering LeftHerita Ilunga has a blogAnd for this I much commend himI think I’d like him even moreIf I knew he did defending5. Upson DownsOur centre halves are extremely largeThey didn’t let big Crouchy goIf only I could say the sameOf their job on wee Defoe6. Swiss RoleThe Swiss Behrami is the new crowd faveI’ve not seen one run so muchThe combination of psychotic commitmentAnd a fucking crap first touch7. Centre StageThe other midfielders passed it lovelySometimes forward, sometimes backThis led to some lovely trianglesAnd very few attacks8. ElsewhereFreddie Sears is 8 years oldAnd badly needs a goalIf Matthew Etherington was right footedHe’d clearly be on the dole9. Cole PatrolCarlton Cole is a willing trierBut the lad was clearly rustyOn the whole I find him a curious choiceFor us to place our trust in10. Hells BellsCraig Bellamy is the new angry antOn the field he thinks he’s the bossI might tend to agree with thisIf he’d only learn to cross11. I’m BoardSo our manager is still a nice guyBut our owners are broke, disturbinglyAnd suddenly the vocal few are asking”Was it that bad under … Curbishley?”In answer to that question visit http://thehlist.blogspot.com/2008/04/bolton-wanderers-1-0-west-ham-and-other.html

1. Boo!Adopting more aggressive guerrilla tactics, I have included people on the distribution list this week who have never expressed the slightest interest in this blog or were totally unaware of its existence. Welcome one and all, and if you wish this weekly harassment to cease, Ill see you in court.2. Officer!!Like most people born and raised in and around east London, I have been mugged on more than one occasion. None of these traumatic, formative experiences however can compete with the sense of loss and injustice felt upon leaving Upton Park last Saturday. Not even the time when an unscrupulous urchin on the Romford Road snared my beloved Optimus Prime. Im still reeling from that and it was six months ago now.3. HistoryThe next in the recent long line of opportunities to bounce back is presented by Portsmouth who travel to Upton Park this Saturday on the back of a donkey, having been mugged by a similar bandit to the one that relieved me of the king of the Autobots.Traditionally, we havent done well against Portsmouth. We have in fact failed to take a single point off them at Upton Park in the Premier League and havent beaten them since a Championship meeting in 1993. Startlingly, its 50 years since we beat them in a top-flight game, although the vast majority of that half-century consists of a time where we never met. Last seasons corresponding fixture was a truly lamentable 1-0 defeat courtesy of a Nico Kranjcar strike on the hour. Thankfully, The Firm and I had decided to take the afternoon off that day and spent it in the pub, sans lunch. Accordingly, come kick-off, I was in no state to remember anything, not even where I was sitting, my main concern being how best to plot my route to the front of the queue for halftime pasties.4. Team NewsThankfully, Matthew Upson is back in contention having been stretchered off at the weekend with what looked like a serious injury, but was merely a dead-leg.James Tomkins is also fit, providing more centre back options and Carlton Cole returns from the three-match suspension incurred against Arsenal.Utility man Valon Behrami also returns after a calf injury sustained against Man United and will be pushing for a place in midfield, although if anyone ousts the impressive Jack Collison from the starting line-up, Im sure a lot of us will dejectedly shake our heads.Sightings have also been made of Kieron Dyer taking part in full-training this week. It is still too early for his inclusion in the squad as the backroom staff are yet to overcome the problem of sufficiently insulating the mass of gummi bears being used to hold his hips in place.5. Managerial Musical ChairsThe obvious parallel to be drawn between the two clubs in recent weeks is the arrival of an inexperienced manager to replace former West Ham players. Following Harry Redknapps sudden departure, Portsmouth were quick to announce that the clubs previous Number 2 would take over as manager and with that, Tony Adams (right) made his first foray into Premiership management. Portsmouth have made the public admission that they are short of funds and it is believed that Adams offer to work for sugar cubes is what sealed his appointment.Adams managerial career began at Wycombe Wanderers where he was unable to prevent their slide from League 1 to League 2. He resigned after 12-months in the job, citing personal reasons (something to do with a paucity of sugar cubes).Unlike most budding English managers, Adams then spent the best part of a year on the Continent in a coaching role, firstly with Dutch side Feyenoord and then Utrecht. It is from the Low Countries that Adams adopted his managerial ethos in the main, to implement traditional Dutch practices and technique.6. Shuccsheshful Number Two, For ShureBig Tonys first move as manager was to bring in John Metgod as his Number 2, a decision applauded by the footballing cognoscenti.Metgod is known to be an advocate of Total Football and keen to implement his own brand of that philosophy, made famous by the Dutch national sides of the 1970s.Metgod enjoyed a fruitful playing career, appearing for the likes of Real Madrid, Nottingham Forest (when they were still contenders) and to a lesser extent, tottenham. He is perhaps best known in this country for this free-kick, a 40-yard thunderbolt against, well, obviouslyYou cant really blame Phil Parkes for that one, he was obviously forced to avert his eyes at the alarming nature of our silken, sky blue hot-pants.7. Brittle Backbone DiseaseWelcome to a new kind of frustration. It is no longer our lot in life to sit through a dreary 90-minutes of tedium and escape with a point where three were attainable, it is now customary to marvel at our new sense of adventure and appetite before escaping with no points where three were attainable.I left the match last week with the feeling that, despite our dominance, despite our attractive football and with things apparently so tight in the League this year, it wouldnt surprise me if we found ourselves in the midst of a relegation scrap six months from now.Everything in moderation is a phrase often used to promote healthy balance, but surely this does not apply to defending? As things stand, this policy could well be an improvement as we all too easily slump from defending in moderation, to resignation to outright capitulation.Robert Green has reverted from his continually solid performances of last season to a more hit and miss affair. We all know he has the distribution of an agoraphobic postman, but a more dominant marshalling of his area would not go amiss. Id like to see him shout his head off at some of the inept displays in front of him from time to time.The lack of an authoritarian leader at the back is a contributory factor and there is no-one doing for us what Tony Adams did for Arsenal or Rio Ferdinand now does for United. Lucas Neill shoots his mouth off now and again but without leading by example, it will inevitably go unheeded. Plus its hard to understand what hes on about when he has a mouth full of cheesecake.8. The OppositionPortsmouth look like most other teams constructed by Harry Redknapp a mishmash of average foreigners spiked with a gem or two, former England stars on the wain and a smattering of youth who you feel will never quite achieve their potential.David James has enjoyed a true Indian summer to his career and is in the form of his life at 38. Question marks over his England credentials have disappeared in recent years and you would have to go to HeadHammer Shark (left) to find a man of a similar age in such fine physical condition.Lassana Diarra is a key player, bringing steel to their midfield and a shield to their ageing defence. Diarra made it known upon signing for Pompey that he viewed the move as a stepping stone to better things, which Im not sure shows admirable honesty from a footballer in the modern game or a callous disregard for his current employers and their fans.Glen Johnson is another of Redknapps protgs who seem to answer his call like The Artful Dodger to Harrys Fagan. Johnson has made a good start to this season, looking increasingly like the blueprint for a modern wing-back up and down the wing all day, defending when needed and posing an attacking threat of his own, having already scored this season and given opposition defenders something to think about.Peter Crouch and Jermaine Defoe constitute Redknapps final roll of the Pompey dice, the evil dwarf arriving on the last day of last Januarys transfer window and Crouch bestriding the length of the country in the summer like some sort of rampaging super-spider.Physically, Pompeys two strikers could not be any more different and both are effective frontmen in their own way Defoe swift, nimble and a sharp-shooter, Crouch gangly, languid, eight legs, laser vision and 55 feet tall. David Nugent is Portsmouths Florin Raducioiu.Judging by last Saturdays defensive catastrophe, its hard to see us resisting our apparent obligation to concede, particularly if Crouch and Defoe get permission from the League to wear their spangly new away strip, revealed below.(Incidentally, its now 24 games since we last kept a clean sheet. The next worst Premiership performer on this criterion? West Brom with a paltry five matches. Amateurs.)9. ZzzzzzIt is good to see that Adams has lost none of his propensity to bore, thanks to his near-fundamentalist conviction to be rigidly inoffensive since his days as a Pizza Hut-terrorising boozehound. After a mercifully brief stint as a comatose pundit on Football Focus, Adams relentless efforts to appear unassuming remain undiluted and he remains the PR version of extra-strength sedatives since his Damascun rebirth. When asked to comment on the Premier Leagues recent Respect campaign, Adams (right) came up with his usual platitudes peppered with football clichs:I think you should respect everybody in life whether its the referee, the supporter or anybody. I try to respect myself and respect others, to be honest. Im not sure about the campaign. Whatever its doing, its doing, but they are the kind of values I have in life.Thanks for clearing that up, Tony. I did wonder.10. Little Big ManA few interesting quotes emerged this week from the manager, hinting that he may finally have laid down the law in light of recent results:We had a chat and confrontation and I think that was a positive thing, and now on the pitch we will see whether it gives us positive results or not.Zolas idea of a confrontation could well be his refusal to hold the door open for all his players, but a more aggressive approach from him may be whats needed. Another interesting one from Zola this week was in regard to his previous playing mentor, Diego Maradona:”Sometimes you are very good at something, but getting others to do it is not the same thing.This quote was given in response to a query on how well Zola thinks the great Maradona will do in his new role as Argentina manager, but to listening West Ham fans there were hints of an admission that perhaps his vision of attractive, attacking and winning football may not be as easy to implement as he first thought.

1. In Sickness And In HealthAt the time of this fixture last season, a good friend of mine displayed her outrageously ill-conceived social planning skills by getting married. I was therefore unable to watch the whole game, but did manage to catch the first 30 minutes in the hotel bar, during which time I thought it possible to gauge the final outcome.Employing all my prophetic powers, I rightly predicted a defeat as we were 3-0 down by the time I left, conceding our first after just three minutes.Notable only for Dean Ashton’s wondrous overhead kick, a listless display from ourselves got the thumping it deserved from the Champions-elect. Even when reduced to 10-men, United were comfortably able to score another – Michael Carrick ambling through our midfield to crack in a 25-yard effort and make it 4-1.Historically, Old Trafford has not proved a happy hunting ground for West Ham, our Tevez-inspired final day escape notwithstanding. In our last 11 visits we have won just twice, losing the other nine and conceding a startling 32 goals during those defeats.There is nothing to suggest that we won’t be on the end of another loss, except for myself, but I also once suggested that trifle, scones and toasted crumpets should be blended together to form an uber-dessert.2. Injuries and AbsenteesEx-West Ham midfielder Michael Carrick is set to make a return this evening having played just 70 minutes of the season so far. Carrick’s timely interventions and measured distribution will be a welcome addition to the United midfield in the absence of Owen Hargreaves.Their only other absentee is the mercurial Paul Scholes who remains sidelined with knee ligament damage.Mark Noble is out for a month with a calf injury, Lucas Neill is laid up with a virus (or a hot chocolate and boxset of Desperate Housewives) and Carlton Cole is suspended.Neill’s absence will allow James Collins to make his second appearance in a row – good news as far as I’m concerned as I thought he was excellent against Arsenal and is an altogether more accomplished centreback than Neill.Noble for Mullins or Bowyer is more or less like for like, but Cole’s absence will be the most apparent. The absence of a target man to aim for with the many desperate clearances sure to be launched from our half this evening will only invite the next wave of pressure. I can’t see a towering Rio Ferdinand having much trouble out-jumping Bellamy.3. OppositionMan United have had an unremarkable start to the season by their own high standards, having drawn three and lost one of their opening eight games. If one is to go by the accepted logic that every season’s eventual champions can suffer a single spell of poor form along the way, it is conceivable that United can ill-afford any more unexpected setbacks if they are to retain their title.A 1-1 draw with Newcastle on opening day has been followed by defeat at Anfield and further stalemates at Chelsea and more recently, Everton. Even were they to win their game in hand, United would remain outside the top four, a point behind Arsenal, two behind Chelsea and five behind Liverpool.Darren Fletcher has been one of United’s more consistent performers this season and has profited from the number of central midfield injuries. He’s scored a few goals, busied himself in the middle of the park and will push Carrick for that central midfield role.Ronaldo is yet to click into gear, instead concerning himself with hourly media updates as to his desire to stay in Manchester, or lack thereof. He does have a knack of scoring against us though, so expect him to get four before halftime.Man U always seem to finish the season strongly and so won’t be too worried about League position pre-November, but they would certainly prefer more points in the bag before the prospect of tricky away ties to Arsenal, Villa and rejuvenated neighbours Man City, all of which come before December.Luckily for them, they can look forward to the fillip of a resounding home victory against West Ham this evening.4. Name Your PriceAs with most things, football can be directly related to Star Wars. This may seem a rather strained analogy at best, but give it some thought.Jamie Carragher is the Wedge Antilles of the Premiership - solid, dependable, often plays second fiddle to his best-friend-cast-as-saviour, but certainly pulls his weight. Peter Kenyon is quite obviously football’s Bib Fortuna – sinister underling of an inter-galactic gangster who cruises the planet in his over-sized yacht and has a penchant for dancing girls.Drawing this thesis to its most logical conclusion, it is now plain for all to see that Harry Redknapp is the footballing equivalent of Boba Fett – a ruthless mercenary with no hint of moral fibre who will quite literally do anything for money.Redknapp’s move from the south coast to tottenham has been the story of the week and Harry has been quick to reveal his childhood leanings towards Spurs (he has previously done exactly the same in regard to both ourselves and Arsenal). Redknapp spoke of how a chance to manage “a big, big club” was too good to turn down. Presumably he hopes to do well at Spurs so that a big club comes in for him.Redknapp will take charge tonight in the north London derby, having dashed back from Portsmouth where he graciously returned to receive the freedom of a city he walked out on days previously. Pompey fans aside (who have already put up with Harry leaving them for arch-rivals Southampton, only to return 12-months later), the players he leaves behind must feel the most aggrieved, many of whom cited Redknapp as the main reason for signing and received assurances from him that he was there long term.Pompey fans should not be surprised at Redknapp’s departure given his previous, but what is surprising is that someone is still yet to blend trifle, scones and toasted crumpets into a luxurious uber-dessert.5. Cole-FiredI was surprised the club did not contest Cole’s sending off on Sunday. It was a foolish challenge so late in the game, but an equally foolish decision from the ref. The fact that a straight red carries a three match ban as opposed to the single game incurred for two yellows, would be reason enough for an appeal you would think, but apparently not.Although his aerial presence will be missed, his shooting boots will not. For all his physical work and hit-and-miss link up play, our most punctual striker rarely tests the opposition ‘keeper and that is a concern.Unless Bellamy hits the heights, it’s puzzling to see where our goals will come from. We might get five from midfield all season, di Michele was nowhere on Sunday and it seems as though Freddie Sears will be a bit-part player this year thanks to his paper round commitments.Diego Tristan is either in contention for Middlesbrough or has been cryogenically frozen in order to combat the evils of Simon Phoenix and shock the principled natives with his rambunctious behaviour in a post-apocalyptic world years from now. One of these likelihoods is true and the other the plot to Demolition Man, but I forget which.The absence of a 20-goals-a-season man who can breathe unaided has been a dilemma at Upton Park for a few years now and an issue that remains continually unaddressed. Cole’s forced omission until Portsmouth in mid-November will allow us to see what other options and combinations are available and should see Diego Tristan thawed out for some first team action. Whether the desired potency will be uncovered remains to be seen.6. Ashton To AshesDean Ashton’s Official website bares the deflating news that he is now unlikely to return before the end of the season. In less than three years with the club, Ashton will now have cumulatively missed nearly two full seasons through injury, and this at the tender age of 24.Ashton is in danger of becoming a ‘sicknote’, for all his undeniable talent. He remains our most gifted striker and one of the few remaining centre forwards in the traditional mould, but his frequent visits to the treatment table are becoming increasingly worrisome. It is all the more frustrating as no sooner do we have Bellamy back after a year of absence, than Ashton rules himself out for six months. Together and with a few games played in tandem, they have all the ingredients of a prolific strike partnership, but one that we may never see.I have the uneasy feeling that years from now Ashton’s career will be viewed as one of injury-hit wasted potential, mirrored with a sharp upturn in profits for McVities. 7. Forza HammersMuch like Sunday, not many of us are expecting a result tonight, but will be more interested in the manner in which we play.I thought we did well for the majority of the game against Arsenal and was pleased to see us sticking to Zola’s policies rather than hoofing long balls forward whenever in possession. A little more composure on the ball instead of attempted instantaneous one-touch football would yield further improvement. Arsenal showed that a quick turn and a little look-up will more often equate to retained possession, rather than a hurried first time pass to where you think a player is or anticipate he will be.It’s painfully obvious that Faubert is a midfielder out of position and I don’t blame him for Sunday. I would expect to see Behrami in at right back tonight and although the same ‘out of position’ assessment could be made of him, I was surprised to learn recently that he has made more challenges and won more free-kicks than any other West Ham player this season.Ordinarily we need Faubert to deliver from midfield and Etherington to do the same from the opposite flank, but crosses into the box tonight would go largely wasted what with our distinct lack of height sans Cole. Presuming Zola sticks with 4-3-3, the pace of Bellamy, a bit more strength from di Michele and maybe the threat of some surging Etherington touchline play, well supported by three central midfielders, could provide us with a few chances over the course of 90 minutes.Lots of running and chasing will be involved and so the bench will need to play it’s part, so Luis, if you’re reading, please leave the clogs at home.Overall, I’d rather see Zola (left) stick to his guns and lose than go against his instincts and still lose. I like to believe his assertions that the results will come in time as long as we believe in our style, which is an undoubted improvement on that of the Curbishley era.A couple of defeats to two of the best teams in Europe, suffered whilst trying to play football in the right way and without being on the wrong end of a hiding, could instill some of the character needed to turn this new system into a winning one.

1. We Were Believers Once, And YoungWe’re not so different, Martin Luther King and I. We both had a dream , you see. His involved buses I think, whilst mine revolved around a world where West Ham could beat Arsenal.In my 29 years on this plane, we have played Arsenal more times than I care to remember and beaten them so rarely that it is possible to memorise the victories in a Henry VIII style rhyme (”Divorced, Beheaded, Died, Leroy, Bobby, Offside!”).I despise playing them, because no matter what happens, we will always play pluckily but without luck. Whether it’s Trevor Morley being brought down when clean through by David Seaman, or Trevor Sinclair hitting a post, or Kanoute having a goal disallowed when clearly over the line, or Julian missing a penalty while concussed, or Emmanuel Petit managing a last minute winner involving a handball and an enormous deflection, or Bergkamp elbowing Lee Bowyer in the face, or Julien Faubert channelling Titus Bramble on Sunday - it doesn’t matter, we will find a way to lose. (Aaand breathe out - note to self : punctuation is your friend).Only Pardew era West Ham managed to overcome this, and right now that seems a long time ago.And before any Gooners leave a post saying this comment made you splutter up your oysters, let me confirm that I’m not saying Arsenal were fortunate to win on Sunday, but simply that they seem to get an unholy amount of luck in the games they play against us.Which, in my head at least, is a slightly different thing, although I’ll accept that this may very well be a Sarah Palin style mauling of the English language.2. Everything Is IlluminatedManuel Almunia’s hair should be illegal. My corneas have only just stopped bleeding.3. The StatisticsPer The ESPN GameCast we were second best in a lot of areas on Sunday. Certainly this won’t be a surprise to anyone with a functioning set of retinas (i.e: those who didn’t stare directly at Almunia’s hair) but it does underpin that we are very much the apprentices in this particular match up.The indisputable turning point was the introduction of Emmanuel Adebayor in the 68th minute as he marched on to the pitch and immediately began running the show. He mustered no less than 6 shots himself during this period, more than any other player managed all day, and was the “creator” of the fatal first goal.As for us we had the ball for just 42% of the time and managed 4 efforts on target to the visitors 6. This is a polite way of saying that they were better than us. Of course it’s not the fact that Arsenal are better than us that disturbs me, it’s when Bolton can say the same thing that I get alarmed.4. The Opposition StrikerI’m not saying that Emmanuel Adebayor is big, but here he is celebrating his last minute goal with the other Arsenal players.5. The OppositionMyopic manager aside, there is much to admire about Arsenal. They are clearly the team we aspire to be, perhaps without the croutons, and they play football in a way which is aesthetically pleasing for any fan.That said, there is the other side of the coin : the whinging, the diving, the unhealthy hatred I have for Cesc Fabregas and the cloying sense of entitlement that runs right through their side and supporters. In fact, if there is a more punchable person than Robin van Persie outside of the Big Brother house, then I demand to know who it is so I can whack them right now with a skirting board.What was noticeable was the superior technique on display for keeping hold of the ball. We deployed with the touted 4-3-3 system that warps my brain, and spent much of the second half coughing up the ball under pressure. The determination to pass our way out of trouble is admirable, but there will be plenty of days ahead when we will face superior teams who are able to do it much more adroitly than we can.This does not include Hull though, for fucks sake.6. The RefereeIn a fit of pomposity last week I wrote the following : “It’s always a waste of time to blame referees for anything, because I refuse to accept that over 90 minutes a football team cannot do enough on their own to win a game”.Admirable stuff for sure, but tested somewhat by Phil Dowd’s performance. I still don’t think that we lost because of the referee, but it could be said that he wasn’t a huge help.The wide variety of handball shouts were a bit desperate, but the constant blowing for fouls, lack of advantages and the nonsensical sending off all grated. I don’t really know how you referee that game and give out 5 yellow and one red card.7. Green FingersAfter a rocky couple of weeks featuring a Bobby Mimms impersonation at home to Bolton, and a sudden bout of inertia at Hull, it was a welcome return to form for Robert Green. Indeed he was so good that his performance drew the admiration of Arsene Wenger, which is akin to getting a good annual appraisal from Darth Vader.The save from Walcott in particular, was outstanding, and there was a sense of dominance missing from his recent performances. The cynical part of me always views Green’s performances against the Gunners as being 90% job interview, and Wengers comments haven’t eased my mind at all.I could mention the fact that Adebayor’s goal came whilst Green went a wanderin’ late on, but I choose to view this as an accurate homage to David James, rather than the desperate act of a madman.8. Formation BluesI cannot quite comprehend a tactical system that includes Julien Faubert and Hayden Mullins as our tandem down the right hand side. Furthermore, it vexes me how exactly Mullins has ended up as the attacking half of that duo, whilst Faubert is left to slip on his curly green wig, hop on the unicycle and get down to some good old fashioned clowning in lieu of actual defensive work.The own goal was easily avoidable in hindsight, but I have sympathy for any defender facing his own goal, with an attacker immediately behind him and a dangerous cross to deal with. Throw in the custard pie he was balancing at the time and it’s easy to see how it happened.My biggest gripe with Faubert is not the square peg/round holeism of his defending but more the utter lack of incisiveness he is providing from right back in an attacking sense. I mean, I know we gave up a little defensively to get him into the side, but weren’t we supposed to be gaining something at the same time?I’m not anti-Faubert - far from it, if we spend €9m on a player I’m very much pro that guy showing me he’s worth it, but right now I’m looking at a winger being shoe horned into the back 4 and giving the ball away at an alarming rate.9. MissingMark Noble was absent from today’s gameAt this point I am willing to consider that he has been eaten by Lucas Neill.10. KudosWelcome back James Collins, who looked for all the world like he was fully fit, which seems utterly impossible when one considers that he will have been treated at the Boleyn Royal Infirmary - motto: “Circumcurso pru aveho ” or “Run It Off” in English.He and Upson looked mighty impressive there, and my boy Lucas will have a job to regain his place, although the bright red nose and large shoes of our current right back might indicate the route back.A word too for Bowyer, Mullins and Parker who battled manfully against the all conquering evilness of the Arsenal midfield and did well for an hour or so before the forces of evil came swarming through the barricades.Herita Ilunga remains my favourite Congolese blogging left back in the world. My advice for the return game at The Emirates would be to shoot Theo Walcott early doors.11. Cole PatrolUndeniably the worst part of the day was the late red card dished out to Carlton Cole. Weird decision or not, I demand that Cole has a CAT scan or a test of his occipital lobe or something to tell me if there is any kind of brain functionality whatsoever going on here.It’s the 94th minute, you’ve lost the game and the referee has already shown you that he won’t be applying any common sense to his decision making. Why are you making this tackle? Are you in the midst of a brain aneurysm? Is there no blood flow to your cranium?Ay carumba. Whilst Ashton is being treated by the Florence Nightingale Society medical team, we now have no striker capable of playing the central striker role bar Cole, and with his suspension looming we now face the prospect of starting Sears or Tristan or possibly a reality show winner at Old Trafford on Wednesday. Be still my beating heart…..

A New DawnWelcome to this week’s H List Preview. As you’ve hopefully noticed, a few changes have been made to the layout. My superior and I decided to give it a lick of paint and add a couple of new features as it was beginning to look as tired as Lucas Neill after an informal stroll up a gentle slope.To any newcomers – if you think this presentation looks amateurish, you should’ve been here last week.1. Hull 4, London 0And so on with business.Hull City have emerged as the surprise package of this season’s promoted sides, having already pulled off noteworthy victories and impressively sitting outright 3rd after seven games.Apart from ourselves, they are the only team to have taken three points from The Emirates and completed an impressive north London smash and grab with victory over tottenham last time out. A crucial opening day victory at home to Fulham sees them boast a 100% record against teams from the capital and they will be hoping to make that four out of four against us on Sunday.Traditionally a rugby league superpower, Hull City have made a great start in their bid to cement a place in football’s top flight, having called upon local lads Nick Barmby and Dean Windass to win them promotion via the play-offs last year. In the 2003/’04 season, Hull were in League 2 and have achieved the impressive feat of winning three promotions in five years to reach the Premiership – the third fastest ascent through the divisions in history.Thanks to their early season exploits, they have come to be regarded as the team that most neutrals would like to see stay up from this year’s new crop and have certainly given themselves every chance of survival with their early form. Despite all this positivity coming from the Yorkshire city, it will no doubt still be obvious to all of you on your way to the KC Stadium this Sunday (and I know a few), why Robinson Crusoe elected to leave Hull and live on a desert island for 28 years.2. Tonight We’re Gonna Party Like It’s 1929As the long-talked of ‘credit crunch’ bares it’s teeth and the first few drops of recession begin to breach the sea wall, the first nation to be cast adrift amid this sizeable financial storm is Iceland. Well, obviously.No sooner had a big money buyer come in for West Ham allowing us all to dream of the quality players and domestic honours that were surely just a few years away, than right on time the biggest financial tidal wave for over 75 years comes thundering directly to our doorstep, crashing through the front door and completely ruining that spandex Batman outfit you were saving for Halloween.Iceland has been forced to nationalise its three major banks in order to stave off national bankruptcy, one of which being Landsbanki where West Ham owner Bjorgolfur Gudmundsson was Chairman and hefty shareholder.The Icelandic government promptly sacked BG (right) and he is said to have personally lost around £300million thanks to the fall of the former financial giant. As is to be expected, as soon as news of the turmoil broke, every newspaper in the land was rife with reports of BG’s intent to sell up and our resultant fall into administration.Unsurprisingly, West Ham’s ever-efficient press office were quick to release statements saying how Gudmundsson has no intention of selling and how his overall stock portfolio remains healthy, but that hasn’t stopped the spread of further rumours around the club’s ownership and financial affairs.Indian multi-billionaire and 6th richest man in the world, Anil Ambani (pictured left upon hearing the news that Lucas Neill was in the area and hadn’t eaten for 15 minutes) has been touted as a potential buyer. Depending on what you read, some say the deal could go through in a matter of weeks, others that Ambani will try and pick us up on the cheap in January in light of the economic climate. Should he takeover, with an estimated fortune of over £20billion and even in spite of our marked ability to run a commercial business with all the discretion of a branch of Hooters (but without their business acumen), surely we could climb the ladder a rung or two?Anyway, this is all idle rumour and is yet to take on any real credence. Apart from ourselves, Ambani is also allegedly interested in tottenham, Everton, Liverpool and Newcastle, plus BG continues to emphasise his willingness to sell off other parts of his business empire before he relinquishes control at Upton Park.Still, it would be nice to have an owner twice as rich as Abramovich, buy Chelsea, forcibly disband them and continually fine John Terry all his wages unless he manages to successfully recite a full chapter of The Hungry Hungry Caterpillar within a month.3. Stick Or TristThis week saw the arrival of Diego Tristan on a permanent deal having successfully completed a two-week trial at West Ham.His unveiling came with all the usual spiel about how he hopes to do well for the club, repay the faith of the manager, turned down many other lucrative offers, and one hopes that the twilight of Tristan’s career heralds a committed approach from a player who has sparked misgivings in previous managers regarding fitness and attitude.No question that on his day he is a formidable striker with great technique and in the continued absence of Custard Cream Dean, our frontline could do with some added depth.The average age of our main attacking options (di Michele, Cole, Bellamy & Tristan) now stands at just under 30, although the addition of Freddie Sears would see that fall to 12. Ill be interested to see the emergence of Zola’s first choice pairing in the coming weeks as there are similar styles on offer – from speedy little scamps (Bellamy & Sears) to technically sound but ageing continentals (di Michele & Tristan).Carlton Cole’s good fortune is that he provides the singular target man option and is therefore always likely to feature at some stage. Unless of course he’s engaged in a high speed pursuit down Barking Road.4. The OppositionManager Phil Brown has put his side on a firm footing in the early part of this season and done so with a combination of resilient defending spiked with the occasional touch of quality. His efforts rightfully earned him the Manager of the Month award for September and this is all the more surprising coming from a man who served as Sam Allardyce’s apprentice at both Bolton and Blackpool.His two most astute signings over the summer were those of former Boro and Villa midfielder George Boateng and Brazilian flair player Geovanni. I’m still surprised how Geovanni slipped through so many nets to find himself at Hull after a single season with Man City. At just 28 and with a pedigree of Benfica and Barcelona behind him, he was a real catch on a free transfer and remains the kind of player we could do with in our midfield. An opportunity missed.Hull City is also home to Andy Dawson (above left), elder brother of H List favourite ‘Mahogany’ Mike (above right). Like Michael Dawson, Andy started out at Nottingham Forest before making the lateral move to Scunthorpe while his younger sibling was sufficiently planed and varnished to get him through the door at White Hart Lane.Andy Dawson has gone onto become a solid defender and a regular in the Hull City back four – an achievement all the more remarkable when one considers all the rogue splinters he had to contend with throughout his upbringing.A perplexing 5-0 thrashing at home to Wigan earlier this season has done Hull City a world of good and where some teams are winded by such an experience, they have rallied. This heavy defeat did have as much to do with Steve Bruce’s rhinal command of gravity as Hull’s poor display, however.Hull have got where they are this season through a stout team spirit and high work rate and will definitely get bodies behind the ball for the ten or so minutes we are in possession. Whilst proving hard to break down, we may stand more of a chance away from home as their lofty position in the table and recent form will put the onus firmly on them to take the game to us.5. The King Is Dead, Long Live The King?Not only did the abdication of King Pantsil leave a huge void in all our lives, it also created a vacancy at Upton Park for the position of ‘cult hero’. While it is still early days to coronate another, from what I have seen so far this season, the frontrunner has to be new boy Herita Ilunga.He has that ‘marauding lunatic’ quality to his play that endeared us so much to our former sovereign, plus he also poses a consistent attacking threat for a full-back, often putting our midfielders to shame and consigning the surprise departure of George McCartney to history’s New Den (dump).A big appetite is one of the main criteria for any cult hero (makes you wonder why Lampard never made it) and Ilunga displayed his hunger for first team action by playing on with a severed hand against Bolton.Of course, the West Ham Number 3 shirt will long be associated with one of the foremost cult heroes in the club’s history, but continued committed performances from Ilunga could see him gain entry to that exclusive club where certain players can do little wrong in the fan’s eyes.For me, I just love the fact that he’s from the Congo. Surely it won’t be long before some bright spark out there on the terraces pens an Ilunga-based song to the tune of those classic ‘Um-Bongo’ adverts?You know this makes sense6. Back From The DeadThis week’s spate of international fixtures have seen some strange goings on, not least that Craig Bellamy (right) played all but ten minutes of Wales’ two fixtures against Lichtenstein and Germany. Bellamy didn’t score despite a host of chances (he missed a penalty, in fact), but he did get booked, so looks to be back to his old self.In the latter fixture, James Collins also played the full 90 minutes, not only coming through unscathed in a competetive match against high quality opposition, but also shining in his centreback role and taking praise from both his captain and manager.With Kieron Dyer allegedly now able to breathe unaided, it could be not much longer until we have something like an if not full, then at least partial complement of squad players to choose from.England also managed to win away from home for the second time in as many months and I became embroiled in a passionate debate about the relative midfield merits of Steven Gerrard and Fat Frank.This particular argument has gone on and on as to whether they can play together. It’s obvious to me that Gerrard is far and away the superior player, England’s major talent and arguably the best box-to-box midfielder in the world. It’s a no-brainer.But one of my fellow debatees made the point that Lampard is genuinely world class in his postioning during attacks and his ability to arrive in the box at the right time. However, he soon relented when I pointed out that Fat Frank’s apparently well-timed late runs are infact his best efforts to spearhead a counter attack, until he is forced to continually pause for breath or pick up the innumerable Curly Wurlys that keep falling from his pockets.7. Look Both Ways Before CrossingAt the moment we are arguably at our first crossroads of the season. It’s still early days and I’m sure we’re all contented with our League position thus far, however, defeats away to West Brom and Watford coupled with a frustrating loss at home to Bolton bring with them a familiar air.Gianfranco Zola and Steve Clarke are still in their honeymoon period, but I think more than a few of us are eager to find out whether they can stamp their authority on the club and succesfully combat our age old predicament of fragility on the road. It would be nice to see a few solid West Ham performances on our travels this season.Having had a few weeks with the playing squad, the new management team should have had time enough to form a clear idea of their preferred starting line-up, formation and tactics and to address the familiar results of the last few weeks.Can Zola and his team consistently ingrain their ethos and practices onto Curbishley’s motley crew? Or is every assembly of West Ham players, regardless of personnel, destined to produce unlikely victories and tepid defeats in equal measure?

1. You Bet Your Ass I Wish To ProceedThe differences between the H List styles of HeadHammer Shark and myself were recently brought to my attention. An obese friend of mine said that while this blog’s creator has a thoughtful approach, mine is more blood and thunder. As my friend succinctly stated between fistfuls of porkpie, “he’s the thoughtful drama to your action movie”.In light of this, all headlines in today’s edition shall be quotes from great action films, including the above. See if you can guess them all. There will be a prize for the winner.2. Shhh! Quiet! Mustn’t Wake Them!It must be the absence of headlines, sackings or arrests, but these last seven days have seemed very quiet in comparison to the tumultuous happenings of recent weeks. Nary a word has left the Upton Park PR DepartmentHang on, it seems I have tempted fate like a rogue can of Top Deck at an AA meeting – whilst writing this section I’ve just come across one of the more bizarre entries on WHUFC.comhttp://www.whufc.com/page/News/0,,12562~1410741,00.htmlIt’s all a little embarrassing and reads as if every use of the word ‘are’ should be in insistent italics. Whilst we are obviously more concerned with on-field goings on, it gets tiresome watching your club run by suits whose primary concern is bad PR. Who really needs an update on shirt sponsor negotiations? The fact that The Bobby Moore Fund is apparently not in the running is as much as we need to know.This release reads like something Scott Duxbury’s scribbled together whilst sitting outside the Headmaster’s office, coming across as an impassioned plea that ‘OK, so it looks like we don’t know what we’re doing, but everything’s all right really!’But what do I know – it’s that post-modern approach that won George W Bush two terms in The White House. Thankfully, we’re not all ultra-patriotic neo-con Republicans.(Apologies to any Republican-voting readers. Actually, forget it. Obama’s an established Hammers fan – I’ve seen him quaffing sausage rolls in the Bobby Moore Lower.)3. Bunch Of Slack Jawed Faggots Around HereDuring the course of my “research”, I braved the barren wasteland and listless plains of Bolton’s official website. Hoping to acquire some understanding into the expectations of their visit to the Boleyn, I was met with a telling insight into this bare void of a football club.The banner headline on the home page, the forbidden fruit with which they entice you in, reads thusly:‘Head Groundsman Richard Norton Takes Us On A 20-Minute Tour Of The Reebok Playing Surface.’Enthralling. Just the 20-minutes? I’m surprised the website hasn’t crumbled under the sheer volume of hits.Now I’m sure Richard is a lovely fella, faithful to the Mrs, strictly adherent to the Highway Code, but I’d struggle to stay awake with Keira Knightly taking me on a tour of the weekend’s Premiership Passchendaele (abundant craters, grown men staggering around in a complete daze watched over by traumatised weeping young boys).This sums up Bolton better than I ever could have hoped to highlight with statistics or insightful commentary and it gets better, their website is a goldmine. A quote from disagreeable Chairman Phil Gartside from an article entitled ‘Making Progress’:“On the subject of match atmosphere, we’ve tried the new idea of a singing stand and it didn’t really get going.”A dedicated singing stand.Here is one of the main reasons why Bolton should be banished from the Premier League. One could conceivably sympathise with the fans given the comatose brand of ‘football’ they are made to watch each week, but we haven’t been blessed in that department recently and had to sit through Plymouth Argyle in the Carling Cup last year, naturally finding song as the only entertainment available.Plus, these are Bolton fans and I don’t know about you, but I thought they were all conspicuous by their absence in both the Nuremberg trials and the disappearance of Madeleine McCann.4. He’s Like A Piece Of IronWith Ashton being newly crippled, it has emerged that Diego Tristan has been at the club on trial this week after news that Digestive Dunkin’ Dean may well be out ‘til the New Year.Having left Italian side Livorno in the summer, Tristan is on the lookout for a move to the Premiership and the 32-year old Spaniard has been training with West Ham this week hoping to clinch a deal come the weekend. Whilst on the wrong side of 30, di Michele has shown how that need not be a prohibitive factor for a player on loan.A former Deportivo La Coruna forward, Tristan was once one of the more formidable strikers in Europe, courted by football’s royalty and regularly breaching Champions League defences in the early part of the decade.His form of late can be accurately described as less prolific, managing only a single goal in his last 34 starts for Mallorca (13) and Livorno (21). Tristan also has a reputation for not being the most ardent model of professional fitness, so he should fit right in.He was released by both Deportivo and Mallorca over concerns regarding physical condition and form, but with Zola’s main gripe with the current squad being fitness levels, we shouldn’t worry that Lucas Neill will have any competition in the scramble for his post-training cupcakes.Meanwhile, Stephen Appiah looks to have priced himself out of the market with wage demands of £60,000-per week. Whilst this was the sort of money we were giving away free with every official Advent Calendar a couple of years ago, the Board will be more reluctant to splash out such figures now. Although at 27, Appiah is arguably worth that sort of money for what should be his best years.5. Well Ya Know, For Me, The Action Is The JuiceLast season’s corresponding fixture was the most frustratingly predictable affair since Britney’s second marriage lasted all of six months and she went mental.Having gone 1-0 up thanks to George McCartney’s acrobatic volley, our failure to consolidate always left the door open for Bolton to score and sure enough, come the 94th minute, along came Kevin Nolan’s equaliser.Our propensity to not only concede agonising late goals, but to see them coming a good half hour before they happen may just be a part of our genetic make-up as opposed to something in the control of any one man, or group of eleven men.What’s needed against teams like Bolton is not only to score early, but to score more than once, make them venture outside their own 18-yard box enabling us to exploit their abundant shortcomings.They are bound to come to Upton Park, sit back and try to nick goal. If they score first, they’ll never leave their half so I think it’s imperative for us to take the lead and preferably within the first 20-minutes.Bolton’s sole strength remains their threat from set-pieces, something at which we are not particularly adept at defending. Whilst playing Faubert at right-back has not back-fired as yet and given us more threat going forward, with Bolton’s physical presence, this would be a good game to blood genuine defender Wally Lopez in the back four.Lopez would then have a chance to find his first team feet against lesser opposition over the next two games before the challenge of Arsenal at home in three weeks, when one would hope Faubert is nowhere near our defence.Either that or a more established centre-half would be available by then (James Collins featured for 70mins in a reserve game alongside Lopez in midweek, Tomkins is back in training) to join Upson in rolling Lucas Neill back out to his customary right-back position.A win against Bolton and a victorious trip to Hull City(?) next week would see us off to a flyer and lay a great foundation for a successful season, but we all know that these are exactly the kind of games where we tend to come unstuck.6. I Always Tell The Truth, Even When I Lie.Yep, Dave Whelan.I was hoping to leave the whole Tevezgate thing this week as HeadHammer Shark seems to have it all covered, then my arch nemesis pipes up again (I’m sure he must purposely time these outbursts for The H List Previews):“I spoke to Kevin McCabe only this week to congratulate him on his success and I want him to get any amount of money he feels they’ve lost… We’re not having clubs telling us lies, I’m sorry it can’t be done and they can’t brush it under the carpet, which I think has been the policy… If it’s points deducted, if it’s a fine or whatever they’ve got to do, they must let democracy rule here.”Ahem…The Daily Telegraph, August 2003:“JJB Sports, the country’s biggest retailer of replica shirts, were among 10 businesses fined a total of £18.6 million yesterday for price fixing. Founder Dave Whelan attacked what he called a “politically motivated” decision and said he would be appealing against the fine.”Office of Fair Trading (OFT), October 2004:“Of the 10 parties that were found to have engaged in price-fixing agreements on replica football kit, only JJB and Allsports appealed against the finding. The Competition Appeal Tribunal (CAT) has upheld the OFT’s decision that they broke competition law.”The Independent, October 2004:“In making their judgement, CAT revealed that the JJB chairman David Whelan was at a meeting at the house of the Allsports chief executive David Hughes in June 2000 to agree a price for Manchester United kits. The meeting was also attended by Mike Ashley of Sports Soccer, who later acted as the whistleblower triggering the OFT investigation.”Telling lies? Democracy? Shut it, Whelan.It’s also interesting to note the history between Whelan and Mike Ashley in light of The Convicted Price Fixer’s recent criticism of the Newcastle owner. That he purports to be a champion of justice and defender of the wronged reads as hollow as Dean Ashton’s biscuit tin.7. I Want Him DEAD, I Want His Family DEAD, I Want His House Burnt To The GROUNDThey must be breeding these repellent, blabber-mouthed Chairmen up North. Bolton supremo Phil Gartside has now decided to jump on the bandwagon seeing as his team are up against us this weekend:”There is an argument to say we can claim three points from West Ham. We went down there and lost 3-1, Tevez scored two and it cost us £700,000 because that was one place in the league. If Sheffield United are successful and get a claim, then why shouldn’t we?”Fair point, Phil. Why don’t we pay, say half a million to every team we beat that season?And herein lies the genesis of a parasitic pollutant spawned by the séance held at the ‘Independent’ FA Tribunal. When will the madness end?8. Gonna Have Me Some Fun!So another preview comes and goes with hardly 30% of the content devoted to our actual team. Whose fault is that, you ask? Not mine. Still, I hope to have kept you partially interested with the headline competition, the answers to which are:1 - Die Hard2 - Lord Of The Rings (ok, not out and out action, but I was struggling)3 – Predator4 – Rocky IV5 – Heat6 – Scarface7 – The Untouchables8 – Predator.The winner gets to leave a complimentary post in the comments section.

1. Why Are We Here Again?Not an existentialist query, just a plea for confirmation. Jesus, what a couple of weeks. Managers being sacked, speculation swirling around Upton Park, well-dressed Italians consolidating their influence, the mutated offspring of once-dead court cases rising from the grave, West Ham scoring freely at home with good football and the US Government stalling over a $700billion package to move Wall St in it’s entirity to Jerusalem where Paul McCartney plans to symbolically batter it down with his ex-wife’s prosthetic leg whilst singing ‘Give Peace A Chance’. Just once this year it would be nice to write a preview centred on sporting matters. 2. The King And IThe most telling aspect of this Saturday’s trip to Craven Cottage is of course that West Ham fans will be reunited with the majestic sight of a marauding John Pantsil running around any part of the pitch he sees fit and hurling himself acrobatically through the air for little or no reason, albeit in a white shirt. Regardless of who he plays for (bar the obvious), King Pantsil will always be a hero to me and as such he shall be commemorated in these pages with The H List’s first pictures. Et voila…See here how brave KP tries vehemently to kick Brian McBride’s head off - a figurehead of the common man taking on the world’s superpower. What a biting social commentator.3. Happy Hunting GroundCraven Cottage has proven fertile ground for us during the Premiership years and it must be the only place in the land where we remain unbeaten. I would hazard a guess that the boys have even contrived to lose to the local school kids at our Chadwell Heath training ground on occasion.For some considerable time we have always managed to come away from Fulham with either a win by a single goal or a scoreless draw, so it seems as good a place as any to get our stuttering away campaign out of the blocks.4. The OppositionWoy Hodgson has done a great job since taking over at Fulham (as was so insightfully predicted on these very pages), pulling off an improbable relegation escape akin to our own and strengthening his squad in the summer, wisely resisting the temptation to overstretch and lose sight of Fulham’s place in the natural order of things.We are all aware that the strengthening of Fulham came at a cost to our own squad, with Bobby Zamora and King Pantsil making the switch across the capital in the summer months. With the Board’s insistence of a cut in the wage bill, Zamora’s position was always precarious after a return of just one goal last season and a goal that came against the porous Derby County.Bobby seems to have flourished at Fulham, turning in some top class frontman displays and scoring a lovely goal against Bolton. He, like many others, is a player who needs regular football to show his best form and I don’t think any of us would begrudge him a successful spell at Craven Cottage. Another former West Ham player, Jimmy Bullard, is the lynchpin of the Fulham side. A Newham lad and Hammers fan, Bullard’s work ethic was forged from working his way up to top flight football via a host of clubs. Having started out in non-League football, Bullard came to West Ham via Gravesend & Northfleet but failed to break into the team. Spells at Peterborough and Wigan followed before Chris Coleman brought him to Fulham where he has successfully returned from serious injury to become the fulcrum of the side.Bullard is Fulham’s main creative outlet and forms a competent central midfield partnership with Danny Murphy. That these two are of much the same style and calibre as our own central pairing of Scott Parker and Mark Noble, should make for an interesting contest.Andy ‘Kojak’ Johnson was Fulham’s main transfer indulgence, but the slaphead with the most annoying goal celebration in world football still flatters to deceive and I’m perplexed as to how he can boast even a handful of England caps. He reminds me of Kevin Phillips in that one swallow does not make a summer.Woy has Fulham playing some decent football and Saturday’s encounter has all the ingredients of a decent game. Fulham’s impressive early home form coupled with our lamentable away displays could see a turning of the tides, but the Zola-effect should still have some way to run and it’s a match where a positive result is certainly achievable.5. Picture BookUpon reflection, I think it’s fair to say that we’ve all wanted to kick Harry Kewell in the face at some stage in our lives. And to whom do you think that errant boot belongs? That’s right - our very own King Pantsil, selflessly living the dream on behalf of his people.6. Sheffield Appeal WorksFor those of you who haven’t got round to reading HeadHammer Shark’s Newcastle review below, he makes some very salient points regarding the neverending Tevezgate in his final entry (I’d skip the rest).It appears that our torrid affair with controversy is ceaseless. This morning it has been reported that more than a few Sheffield United players plan on suing West Ham for loss of earnings in light of their relegation from the Premier League 4,000 years ago.These fine pillars of men are riled that their pay packets have sunk below the 20,000-per-week mark and that they have been made to pay a financial cost for their own incompetence and distinct lack of class on and off the pitch.What is the world coming to when an employee is judged on personal performance and rewarded accordingly? The Yorkshire industrialists of years gone by must be spinning in their stainless steel graves.Surely there must be a court in the land, or indeed the continent, that can see this whole case for the folly it is. We at The H List receive two or three summonses a week for innocuous investigative journalism into Heather Mills’ alleged funding of Hezbollah.Naturally, not every neutral will agree with us, but I’d guess that in spite of their personal opinion, they can see that this case has mutated into so much more than West Ham United vs Sheffield United.I personally have no time for Scott Duxbury and think he is an unsightly stain on our once fine reputation. He has a bit too much of the Peter Kenyons about him and his corporate smugness has no place in our club, but the ruling as it stands would be every bit as momentous as the Bosman, in a wholly negative way.To not nip these dangerous precedents in the bud is to risk the very essence of the national game, to move the theatre of contest from the pitch to the law courts.McCabe, Colin, Sean Bean and all that lot may think they have struck a blow for justice, but they risk irrevocably undermining the game they purport to love and becoming the real villains of the piece. History will judge them harshly should they succeed and football’s once sacrosanct and last enduring appeal would be lost.7. Cole ParoleJust when you thought we had found a competent striker who could play more than three successive games or wasn’t an embarrassment to the shirt, Carlton Cole goes and gets himself nicked for drink-driving.Getting pulled over at 4-30am on the morning before a game you will miss because of ‘injury’ is a fine way to endear yourself to your new manager. The Little Big Man has fined Cole the standard two weeks wages and given him a right ticking off, which must have looked something like The Borrowers meets Shaft.I always thought of Cole as a grafter who largely kept his head down and got on with the job (relatively speaking, these are professional footballers) and I was disappointed to hear of his transgression.Come on, Carlton, pull your socks up – you’re no John Hartson.8. Struck Down StrikerDean Ashton’s shortbread lapse of last week has seen him directed to the operating theatre for exploratory surgery on his ankle, which will keep him out for at least a month. Our brittle strike force has been further hampered by doubts over comparative ever-present Carlton Cole, who has a raging hangover and with every week that he doesn’t play, Craig Bellamy threatens to fade from existence much like Marty McFly in Back To The Future.David di Michele has surely done enough to warrant a place in the starting line-up this weekend regardless of who else is available. He looked a handful at West Brom and an accomplished threat against Newcastle.Don’t be surprised if Freddie Sears gets the nod to start on Saturday. Sears was the recipient of some encouraging praise from the manager after our familiar, comedic capitulation at Watford in midweek and he could be our best available option alongside di Michele. An hour for Sears and a run out for Bellamy if you’re interested, Gianfranco… Gianfranco?9. Baptism Of PantsilIn our final photo of the article, we see how this young Moroccan Number 17 is about to get the rude awakening of his life. Look at him, all wet behind the ears, blissfully unaware of his imminent demise - he has absolutely no idea of KP’s aptitude for aerial gymnastics.